Sunday, October 31, 2010

hello !

din blog for a long time.

been spending these past weeks pretty much alone. there are some people that i've been steadily losing respect to. people whom i can see their intentions like an open book and how they behave sickens me.

on another note, times are changing, changing. you know it when someone isnt paying attention, when they are simply not able to spend any time on you. you know it. and i know it when i see you, you. i know you're busy, i know you have more important things to do. that makes me unimportant. and it makes me sigh to myself everytime i get the feeling you wouldn't reply, and makes me cringe when you really do not reply. think about it, how many times have you said goodnight to me this week ? you always say sorry, sorry, but nothing changes. then i realise, that's just who you are. and it is my duty, to accept you for who you are. because you are my sister, and i am your brother, like it or not. and i am glad you are my sister, for you're the best sis i've ever had and will always be that way. and i have to learn to be better, better for you. and for that i'll have to learn to grow up, learn to know what to expect and what not to. so if you are unable to be attentive, i know why, and i understand. i'll just have to look for someone else who cares. that should have been the way all along. the problem isnt with you, but with me. i'll do my best :) you, dear sister, take care oki. there will be parts of your life that i will not be around to see, but i will always, always, be nearby in case you need me. :)

i wanna watch walking with dinosaurs live ! :(

today started off on a bad note. had driving lesson, which was pretty screwed up. sigh. then i went to city hall to buy books. but i was so upset and distracted aft driving lesson that i went on auto-pilot and took the train back to choa chu kang instead of to jurong east. so yep so i had to take the train back to jurong again. went to city hall, and to my surprise, met Section 1 peeps ! hahaha. so started talking to them about ns, so long neh see them le ! :(( heh. aft that went to buy books. gosh bought 3 ! >.< then went shopping for clothes. hees retail therapy ! oki then i went to bukit panjang, then went to lot 1 to cut hair. lols my new hairdresser is quite nice bah. makes an effort to talk to me and massages my head while shampooing. lols. then after that i went home to change, then went to gym. after so long ! >.< muscles ah wake up le ma ! hees. then i back home via the mrt. on the mrt i looked at my shoes. nike zoom shoes ! lols. then i thought to myself, so long neh wear them le. got miss running nort dear shoes ! and so on impulse i decided that i would run home. LOL. so when i reached choachukang, tightened my bag, got ready, and RAN RAN RAN ! reached my house but i continued running, around the neighbourhood, and then ran back. on the way back saw this guy lugging this tv set and something else. so i stopped and asked him if he needed help. LOL what the hell random mood. >.< but he said its okay, then i continued running ~

all the way home. later gotta book in. i wan go ARMY. PLEASE NO AIR FORCE NO NAVY PLEASE I BEG U. T.T ARMY ARMY ARMY ARMY ~

ForMeThere'sOnlyYou
8:12 PM




Saturday, May 29, 2010

if only i could say what i want to say.

things i wanna express surface and then fade out.

and when they're lost,

i dun feel like saying it out anymore.

dunno am i happy or sad,

happy or sad.

happy and sad.

bittersweet.

you are bittersweet.

as always.

there are many things that lie between these sentences,

that i wanna say out loud.

but i know they cannot appear,

and so they will not.

but can you imagine me,

i see these words,

and i look at these blanks,

and there's a world inside these blanks,

you,

the world.

the nearest and the most distant,

the warmest and the frozen.

the star and the ground,

all at once.

you are bittersweet.

and i look through a wall,

this wall i am hiding behind.

coz you are bittersweet,

soft yet hard.

i know you yet i do not know you.

i hear you yet i do not hear you.

but i see you,

and you do not see yourself.

more words hiding,

from you.

coz you are bittersweet,

and i do not know how to face you.

ForMeThere'sOnlyYou
2:13 AM




Thursday, May 13, 2010

well, i've been thinking.

if i had to create an image so beautiful, i would draw you.

life is a path with pebbles and rocks. and you are the mountain in it. so huge that the path of my life bends and twists with you, for you.

to be honest, i never regretted meeting you.

went through alot, yeah. alot alot.

one traveled in it, stayed in it, got lost in it, hurt by it, found myself in it, lived by it, found comfort in it.

and there came the day i had to move on from it. like how the mountain stays there but life keeps pushing us forward, and further away from it. i resisted, i refused to move on. but no matter what i tried i could not get back to it. cried and screamed. cried and screamed. cried and screamed. i felt empty without it, like a mountain kid in a desert. i felt like i lost myself inside there, and i was all mountain. hurts. this past blocked my view of the future, dulled my sense of the present, and took up all of my past. when you define yourself by something and then it is all taken away. you lose your own definition too.

i believed, if i tried to stay in control, if i told myself to watch my limits, maybe my path would twist and i would get back to the mountain. and i tried. and the path twisted back, twisted near, but i never never reached the mountain. and that choice hurt even more because i could see it but not live in it, hear it but not feel it. and i chose this pain and ache. i would rather see and hear this mountain, than to never see it again. even if it tore me up, even if it bent me till i broke, i didnt care how much my path twisted as long as i could reach the mountain again. i didnt care. i was happy, i was sad, i pretended to be happy, i tried not to be sad. i tried to look beyond myself, said this is enough for me.

but our lives change and change. "the old are deleted and the new are added, and those that refuse to be deleted, are at best only tolerated". i was tolerated.

until the day when i saw others living on the mountain, and the mountain living with them, then did i realise how far and distant i was. i lost myself in a place where i did not exist. and that hurt alot alot. that knowledge hurt alot. and i tripped and i fell and i cried and i passed out and i cried summore. and that was the day a part of me was lost.

everytime i leave you, i lose abit more of myself. you may not understand this. like the day when i had a "holiday" back into the mountain. you would not understand the pure happiness i had, felt on that day. and as i stared at you, wanted to drink you into my soul. drink you in, how do i do that ? grab hold of the seconds, minutes, hours. but i couldnt. no matter how much i focused and tried. i couldnt. and when night came and my time was up, how did i feel ? its crazy. i was the happiest in a moment and when i had to leave, i died inside. i lost so much of myself, i din know what was left. the eyes are the windows to the soul. and my eyes were so dulled. so much so its crazy.

and i told the mountain, i am going to leave you for good.

i was lying.

lying to you, lying to myself.

hiding from you, hiding from myself.

its so hard to pull away from you. so hard that i refused.

but life drags us forward, even as i look back now.

and im learning to put you behind.

and at the end of the day, its only memories that are left. memories that fade over time, scars that serve as a beautiful reminder of what that existed.

and if i could live my life again, i would still choose to climb this mountain.

you, this far away mountain.

the day i stopped drawing angel wings, i swore i would stop relying on you for strength.

you, i have to thank you for alot of things.

thank you, dear friend.

ForMeThere'sOnlyYou
7:36 PM




Saturday, April 24, 2010

ello. time to blog about ytd. coz its 12.57am now.

had a great day today !

went to fetch mei from sch at 1:30 pm, mei is late as always =P but today was only 5 mins late. not bad not bad. went to boonlay then took train ! took all the way to raffles, then change to somerset ! went to cine to eat, ate koba ! veh long neh eat le. then we went to take neos ! hahaha sian la ! we did all the standard poses coz we couldnt do it in time ! rawr. kinda pity for the last neoprint of this stage of our life yeah ? >.< oh ya and mei took super long to change into her clothes ! =o

spent a long long time editing the neos coz mei was busy colouring her hair and changing her eyes and whatnot. rawr those faces were super super gross ! =0

hahaha then we flew to dhoby ghaut, took circle line ! first time for me ley ! took to stadium mrt, then went to kallang smthing smthing to ice skate ! woooooooooooooo!

but when we went there, went to toilet, then went up to the rink. then there got one notice say the rink is closed from 3:30-6:30 coz of private booking thingy. sian =( so i looked really sad and then we decided to skate aft 6:30. so in the meanwhile we went up to the top floor where there was this non-moving escalator, starting taking photos ! hahahaha. aiyo then while mei was checking the camera position then she knock her head against the step ! heart pain heart pain ! rawr. so we took and took and took and took and took, until we were both v hot, so we decided to zao. bought yougurt with oreo toppings, ate them on the way out ! went back to dhoby ghaut to buy auntie anne's. then went to shop for my mum's bdae pressie ! heh. went to a few shops then in the end we settled for this SK thingy. some pearl and diamnond necklace that mei helped to choose ! ;) thankyou thankyou mei ! hahaha.

so it was about time to go back to kallang, took the circle line again ! went there, and finally went into the rink ! =) heh we both had hockey skates, then wear le, put our bags there and went to skate ! heh veh long nv skate le, since last december ! ayes but mei foot pain ;( then went to adjust her skates and stuff.

yep yep so we skated and talked about everything ! most of which included what type of guys does mei like >.< hahahaha. we have very very different tastes in people !

lols. spent awhile remembering the events that took place while skating. mei tried to skate backwards too ! lols lols. then when we had 20mins left, went back to rest awhile, then found my bag with milo spilled onto it. or smthing liddat la. lucky mei de bag nv tio. heh. and lucky crumpler is kinda waterproof. hees. din really care la. then we went back to skate, and skated to the song pretty girl, then mei wore her earphones and we skated to the pace of her song. heh. which was fast but still okay la. hees.

i rmb trying to hold on to time, trying to drag the seconds, bathe in the moment. kinda hard yea. time flies. heh. time mosquitos. hmm.

then we went to take off our skates, returned them, then we went toilet. i tried washing my bag. which was kinda okay. crumpler ftw ! for once mei came out of the toilet faster than me =P

okay okay so we got out of the place, and back to the mrt ! took to dhoby ghaut, then went to jurong east thru woodlands ! super farrr mann. heh. and kinda alot of ppl. i hate crowds ! >.< yep so we went back, talked about eyes and how rebellious mei was :p

took allll the way to yewtee, then bought mac fries ! >.< ate them on the way home, mei and her garlic chilli >.<

hahaha the walk home was...indescribable. lotsa emotions mixed into one yeah. like the end of a great day coupled with the beginning of the end of this stage of our lives. i didnt want to walk back. din want din want din want ! =( heh and mei had to put up with my whining. =P yep yep so went went back in the end.

reached downstairs, took the lift up. muahahaha. mei let me press every button till the 10th floor,(which i always do) and we took photos at every floor ! =)

yep. end of a great day. din write you a card so im posting it here.

thanks alot for today yea. thanks for peiing me these past few weeks ! all the outings, study sessions, movie, iceskating, camwhoring, online pw sessions, meals, deserts, youghurt, shopping ! rmb we exchanged bags, i confiscated ur wallet, tried to confiscate ur phone, stood together in the presence of looming trouble, and we always always stood at the glass panel in the train ! all these wonderful wonderful memories, thankyou for them :)

lols just in case you forget what to put in the book of memories, im posting this so that at least you remember today :)

yep yep, to this mei of mine, thank you for being you. thankyou for all the time u spent with me, all the sacrifices that u made. kor's gonna be busy, so u gotta takkaire yea. be strong, and i'll always always be here for you. rmb arh take neoprints till we're old and wrinkly kay :) idc if the whole world is looking =P

-xinyi aka kor.

P.S. kit kat told me he loves you too ! :)

ForMeThere'sOnlyYou
12:57 AM




Thursday, April 22, 2010

today morning woke up, went to gym, then waited for my driving lesson. then drove arnd and went home. lols.

gonna miss such a life man. esp going sch to fetch mei too.

and you, you.

take care for the rest of ur life.

i'll take care too.

ForMeThere'sOnlyYou
9:35 PM




Wednesday, April 21, 2010

had a nightmare again.

i hate that image.

hate that image.

why are dreams like that ?

and why does this dream

still hurt me when im awake.

i hate that image.

that dream made me hate myself

for not being able to do anything about it.

i hate it.

upset upset upset.

i hate that image.

ForMeThere'sOnlyYou
7:22 PM




Tuesday, February 23, 2010

ouch.

and i stare at the screen. you know, that day you hurt me really badly. broke every vein i have, bled every bit of my soul away. and the cold.

what hurt most was knowing you're beside me, but being unable to feel your presence. every second, every minute, every hour.

you know how it felt, when i knew where you were, where your heart was, and knowing it wasnt with me ? then why did you have to ask me along ? why drag me along this road where only you had shoes and i had none ? where the stones tore and tore, not at my feet, but deep deep inside.

the day when i was suppossed to be the happiest, tore me inside out.

some things, once lost, can never be regained again. never never.

and yet i tried and i tried, while you changed and changed, and i changed too, tried to be better, tried to be everything.

failed. horribly. painfully.

you would tell me to move on, told me that for 3 years. and i would look at you, and ask, move on to where ?

i am like this, because you are like that. i speak like this, because you speak like that. i feel like this, because i am like that.

its foolish, me writing like this, to you. i know its foolish.

the day i stopped drawing angelwings, the day i stopped drawing comfort from it.

and i keep asking myself,

why cant we be friends ?

ForMeThere'sOnlyYou
1:10 AM